


What The Avengers Did Not Realize About Steve Rogers

by andchipzz



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Prostitution, Psychological Drama, Self-Sacrifice, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 09:50:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7528060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andchipzz/pseuds/andchipzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>War is not easy and not clean. Despite how convinced you are on the righteousness of your cause, memory of war, things you have to do willingly or forcefully willing, all of them will be your nightmare. For this, I make Steve Rogers has all enhancement in the comic and downgrade it. </p><p>I want to see how and what will happen if Steve experience all that is possibly happen to normal soldiers during war between factions of human and worse, and then to process all of this with his enhanced mind, perfect recall, and his own understanding about consequences of his actions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His Body Is Not His Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During his time selling war bond, it seems to me plausible that in the face of greed of men, there is much more that the USO girls have to do. Such is their life, and his existence as so called Captain America does not make him protected from this greed, but instead make him more tempting and attractive.

Steve knows that he lives to die.

His existence until the Serum seems to be a hint for this destiny. It seems to him that he has to take all the bad things and make all the terrible decisions, because he knows that he only lives until his twenties at the latest anyway, so let all the good things be for the other young men and young women who has more years in their pocket.

_So, I should just do something worthwhile. Give something to the society since I still have something to give and nothing to lose. I am going to die anyway._

This same attitude and perspective is what makes him agree to be given the Serum. Despite how initially he was very flattered to be called as a good man, before he realized that _I am not a good man. I just, I realize that I am going to die, and since so many people choose to be a bad man, I just want to do something that can change the situation and I feel satisfaction in doing that._

Consequently, that way of thinking moves him to do things that most people avoid.

Here is this one thing.

Fact is, performance business is a cesspool of sin. Nobody involved in this business can be naive or innocent for long. And despite how he might look, Steve used to live in a decrepit area where poor desperate people do anything they can to survive, to live longer or to defeat each other in a parody of natural selection.

It is easy to sell war bonds to the masses, the people who are coerced by campaigns on combined war effort, threaten with the safety of their kin involved in the war. They who have to send their family off, or know the neighbor who have to send their family off to the front line, they have all things to lose if this war effort fail. But these people own little. If they keep giving, how will they live their life? The government does not want to win the war but end up with poverty problems all across the country.

The real investment comes from people with money. Banks and financial groups, and they are the people who, Steve thinks, are so fucking devoid of moral, of empathy. Their life are defined by greed, by how much money that they can obtain, and they are worse than even Nazi because they don't even have any idealism, except to be impossibly richer than they are already. They are the people who hoard their money jealously, and who will only give something as long as they were being given something back in return. It is disgusting, to mingle among them, as they see people poorer than them as tools, and they see beautiful attractive people who are less influential than them as toys.

But it is a necessary evil, according to Senator Brandt. Because the young soldiers in the front line needs this supports, for weapons, for amenities.

There are some among those with money, who wants bonus for their investment, stating that they are not convinced with just the potential profit from buying this war bond. They want to get an immediate advantage. They want to satisfy their worry. They want to touch and own the beautiful performers of USO Shows Steve is with. And some of them, they are attracted by the Captain America himself, recognizing his sculpted body, and masculine beauty, and his whole Aryan allure.

That is how Steve learns that his body is not his own.

He used to be certain the he was owned by God, who gives him physical sickness but mental clarity, to classify rights from wrongs, and stability of his own psyche, to charge on those who are immoral.

But then, he sold himself to his country at first. To be a subject of scientific experiment. And his country, through people who are ruthless and psychopaths of their own rights, sold him to other psychopaths for money. And his body becomes a sexual objects, for people who find pleasures in men.

Here is the truth: Steve does not really have a sexual interest in men or women. But he does feel immense affection for people he care about, and, specifically, he gave all of his love to Bucky, who was his pillar before Bucky is drafted to war. This love is not just romantic and it is not sexual. But Steve loves Bucky wholeheartedly, and he thinks that, if Bucky wants to, if Bucky is interested in him sexually, then Steve is willing to give himself to Bucky. But their relationship is platonic in a physical sense anyway. Though, Bucky gives his life for Steve when he is able, none of them wants to be in a sexual relationship with each other.

So, Steve never finds it pleasurable to give himself to men who are not interested in him beyond his physical beauty. Their touch repulse him but he endures, since he is aware that his self does not seem to be his own anymore. As different men brings him to their bed and penetrates his body, he tries to dissociate himself from that body so his mind won't be penetrated and will still be his own. His reluctance encourage these men, and they feel that they have dominated him and shown him that they are stronger, even though he has more physical presence and influence to the masses than them.

This is how Steve learns to detached his emotional capacity and tuck it away. Which makes him a ruthless leader in the front line and very clinical in his assessment on how to use his people to their best potential. Being emotional in this kind of situation can destroy him. So he is not.

Until one day he heard news of Bucky's regiment and realize that, even though his body is not his own, he has given himself for Bucky. It might be that as a sexual being he is not his own anymore, but it is his power, his strength, all of his ability as Captain America that he is aware of.

So he breaks free of the confinement made by greedy men with powers.

He breaks out and he comes out to the public to be the Captain America, a war hero who change the wind direction in this war.

And then he sees, it is the common people who can protect him, so he will protect them.

__

 _Thus_ , Peggy Carter thinks, _the bird has flown out of his golden cage, after months of being forced to perform to the satisfaction of men_.

Through Steve's experience, she has witnessed how the people with power and money, used people who they think weaker than them, like a toy, like a pawn, for their own entertainment.

Peggy always thinks it is illogical that Steve Rogers is not utilized for what he is transformed to: a perfect soldier. Instead, he is used as a perfect toy for the perverted old men, for money, to finance war effort. Bile rose on her throat every time she visits Steve after his own visit to those men's homes or villas, or hotel rooms. There are unsubtle marks of greed on his body, bite marks, rope marks, hand prints, and other signs that all disappear in matter of hours.

She never says anything to Steve, but she thinks, one of the reason those men find Steve so appetizing is his eternally pure physics. That no matter how many times they defile him, he always comes back to them as a virgin sacrifice, at least externally untouched by their vile hands.

So, Peggy Carter was grateful of Bucky Barnes in this, once she realized that it is this unknown man who moves Steve, who forces Steve to break free.

__

70 years later, watching and following every story of his life before, Steve Rogers understand that besides Peggy Carter, and several key persons, key fixers, and very important figures with money to shut people's mouth, no one knows about this dark part of Steve's life.

It is best to keep it that way.

But the emotional burden of it sometimes cripple him, since peaceful time does not really give him distraction from his dark thought.

He used to think that dying has freed him from worldly problems. But he does not die, yet. He still lives, and he has to shoulder this secret, disgusting knowledge and awareness, on how, despite his hatred of Nazis in general and HYDRA specifically, it is his own government that initially betray his trust when he gives himself to them. And it is this rich people from his own country that is so greedy they use him as their plaything and they use wars as their business sector.

He try to suppress the scolding presence on the back of his mind that tries to remind him of this when things happen:

1\. As Nick Fury reveals to him that the US government, through SHIELD has retrieve the Teseract, that he brought to death, in hope to destroy it.

2\. As he becomes aware of how the US government actually wants to use the Teseract for weapons, for self defense.

3\. As said government is discovered to be a nest for HYDRA.

4\. As Bucky Barnes is revealed to be alive, but brainwashed, and used as weapons. And this reminds him of himself, and another more crippling guilt resurface.

But here is the truth: Steve Rogers has never trusted any government. And truth was, while diligently studying news and history on United Nations, Steve Rogers are very skeptical.

When Tony Stark approach him with the Sokovian Accords, then, at that moment, everything came back to the forefront of his mind. And Steve couldn't help it, he classify Tony as part of the greedy rich men who wants to trap him and use him, even though he knew better that he cannot generalize rich men.

But he does not know better, does he? He never knows who Tony is, and Tony is defined by the equal tally of self-sacrifice and self-entitlement.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is what I think about war. It is part business, as war bond implied: an investment. And corrupt business practice we know and acknowledge nowadays, involved one of them practice of prostitution: the use of attractive men and women to influence decision making of important personalities.
> 
> Among the soldier, we find good men who are convinced that they go to war in defense of their country. But up there, we see government who starts war to obtain natural resources, to show off their power among other nation, to steal from another country. The government's propaganda are all nationalism and patriotic. But Rome is not built in a century, and most people with money and power are arrogant of their position. This much is true and undeniable.
> 
> This knowledge and Steve's first hand experience (or what in my mind can possibly his first hand experience) shapes his overall view on the haves and on his own government.


	2. War Sacrifices Civilians and Destroy Morals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is this one time in his life, that Steve clinically destroys a village full of civilians. Having been convinced that there are traitor among those villagers: HYDRA's supporter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually based on true story of war. How Commander are forced to make difficult decision concerning life and death of a man.

Among all he has seen in his tour in war torn era, nothing is as grotesque as this one decision that has almost destroyed his moral and changed him irreparably into a more self-hating person than he already was.

This one decision creates nightmares, until he makes peace with himself when he decides to die with the Valkyrie and bring the Tesseract to die with him, before he realized that the ice does paralyze his body but not his mind and he was alone for decades before his mind shuts itself from stress and depression never before experience by human. And this nightmare, which is another dark part of his life, become part of those long never ending darkness.

During the guerilla war in the middle of war torn Europe, Steve's Howling Commandos and the supporting infantry are sometimes accepted and protected in villages of people under Nazi rule who quietly oppose to the dictatorship. These villagers they don't actually want to get involved in war because they have a complete livelihood and are not ready to sacrifice their comfort.

Upon one such village, Captain America, the Howling Commandos, and the supporting infantry stops that one time. They have been walking through the forest for days, their rations are diminishing, their spirits are at record low, since the last ambushed by Nazi's soldiers has caused them to lost half good soldiers before the other half of their group successfully defeat their enemy and continue their trek before enemy's cavalry came.

Here is the life under the commando of Captain America. They are constantly behind the enemy line. Nights and days they keep their awareness, no rest for the wicked. And they have got to be wicked, they are the bravest among the whole army, who choose to join the Captain in the most front line. They are at the same time scouts, rangers, spies, and the first offense team. They are quick, because their amount are comparably small. But it makes them vulnerable. They cannot bring heavy artillery, they don't have cavalry. They only have Captain America with them, with his Howling Commandos, each of them are equipped with skilled specific for this task in destroying HYDRA's support for Nazi's army.

Despite that, it is a lonely and very frightening journey for them.

Steve supposed that he can be grateful for Howard Stark and his advance technology. Howard's technology makes sure that this particular group of people are not stranded or cut off from SSR's communication network.

Steve are sure that he heard the group gave a collective sigh of relief as Herr Heinz gave his welcome and flashed them a warm small.

It is unfortunate that Steve cannot seem to relax around Herr Heinz or his family.

From the corner of his eyes, Steve watches the Fraulein watches them with cold eyes. The youngest of the family is in his late teens. And a sneer appears in the teen's face as he sees the Japanese and the African- American among the group.

Steve realized that the people among his commando is probably the most mismatch. He thinks, many times, that it is Bucky, with his people presence and social ability, that glues them together. He remembers, when Bucky, out of nowhere started a conversation that one time, several months after they infiltrate the enemy's territory under the canopy of the dark dank forest.

"You have changed," said Bucky at that time. Steve was quite for a while, uncomprehending on why Bucky said that Steve is the one who change, while Steve saw a man with reduced confidence and security in Bucky.

"How?" Steve said.

"I... you Steve, you used to be... emotional. Present," Bucky explained. "You use to be fast to react, and you wore your rage and anger on your sleeve. I don't mean that you are slow now. Faster, even, but... you feel faraway. It feels like, like you are... not you."

Bucky probably means as clinically detached, which is Steve's default mode. Steve has realized, very fast, by comparing his experience with the USO Girls, who work the same job as he was, before he save himself by saving Bucky, that what is different with current Steve is his ability to compartmentalize. He shows warmth to the people surrounding him while at the same time he thinks about how that straw haired man with skinny body and clumsy movement among his troop needs to be deported to avoid future problems. He moved on so fast from his consensual rape by classifying it as a necessity. He thinks, that he starts to use his body as a transport since then. And it may or may not be because he feels such a disgust for himself, but as long as he is functional and can be of use, then he will keep moving.

There is no use in thinking of the past that has bygone. Similar things might happen in the future, but what he will do then, will be decide by the situation adjacent, and not by whether he likes it or not.

Maybe, the stubborn, righteous Steve that Bucky used to know, yeah. That little guy has changed.

And now, this new Steve, understanding the inner working of some men, is aware that Herr Heinz is looking at him as a predator is looking at a prey. His host has hunger of him, of a man who, by the Nazi's description, looks like a personification of Nazi's ideal man.

Steve acknowledge his beauty, but it does not mean he likes it. Peggy and the USO Girls all has told him many times that rather than handsome, he is a beautiful man. They told him that he has an economy of movement, efficient, elegant, tactical, and a pleasure to watch, when he is being a Captain America. As Steve Rogers, unmasked, he is a little bit clumsy, shrinking onto himself, trying to not eat up spaces so others can move more freely around him. It makes him looks different, and without his mask, people saw his face and saw a young man. He was barely 25 when they changed him into a bigger and more capable person. He was initially a pretty boy, big eyes, blue eyes, long lashes, full mouth. But the change transform him into a beautiful man, square jaw, more narrow eyes. Despite everything, the wholesomeness of his feature does not change. He seems innocent, and this, translated to some palate, means edible, gullible.

Maybe that is why, Herr Heinz and his accomplished, once they betrayed him and his men, does not expect him as capable in making difficult decision.

Betrayal, in Steve's dictionary, means death. If he had the power for it, he would send the authority figures of US government who betrays the meaning of Captain America's existence, to death. In the future, the same principal he applies to the HYDRA invested SHIELD. His way, is to uproot all seeds of betrayal.

He was brutally awaken by the scent of blood, the first night of their stay in Herr Heinz welcoming home. He woke up fast and stance ready, as if he was born prepared for battle while the Howling Commandos are asleep around him.

Months later, Steve does not forget his mistakes:

1\. That he think because of Herr Heinz's infatuation for Captain America, he is safe.

2\. That, aware of he was on Herr Heinz's family dislike of Allied forces, he lets his people enter the lion's den.

3\. That, he has clinically murdered 26 men in cold blood. It is not even about revenge, but practicality.

Successful in detaining Herr Heinz, he rounded all the villagers to the village square. Howling Commandos are at a very vulnerable situation. There are only six of them left, seven including Steve himself, but they successfully detain the 26 men who has murdered the rest of Allied soldiers in sleep. He confiscated their arms and the village communication device.

It is funny how in the future, people think that Steve has aversion and distaste of torture. It is true, but it does not mean he finds it unnecessary at times. That is how he convinced Herr Heinz to tell him the Axis plan. That is how he knew that from village to village they stayed in, they have not been safe, as the villagers convincingly pretend to welcome them, but instead, those villagers, fearful or even proud to give contribution, has been supporter of Axis force all along.

It is war, Steve supposed. In which, each party was convinced of their own righteousness, and they have spread propaganda for this.

So, he told one of the villagers to contact their Axis contact with the communication device that the Howling Commandos have confiscated from the village.

"It might be we can forgive and let live of the rest of you if you can convince the Axis force that we have never been here," was what he said at that time.

The contact was made, certain the Axis force has been convinced, Steve ordered Morita and Jones to destroy the only communication facility in the village.

Then, he killed 26 men, all the only able bodied people of their own household.

\--

It is like this.

About 46 young men has been murdered that night. These young men most of them are on their early twenties, has been through a lot with the close knitted Commandos. These young men smoke cigars and share drinks and stories with the Commandos, who sometimes saw their little brothers, or sons among the infantry. Along the way, they have protected each other ferociously. Steve knows that Bucky, Dugan, Jones, Morita, Falsworth, and Dernier, they all have particularly fond memories of the murdered men.

Steve... Steve does not feel that warmth.

In his mind, he knows that with the current trajectory, it is important for him to erase the existence of Commandos entirely. He has been made aware of what HYDRA wants of him, and might be of Bucky, considering the manner in which Steve found Bucky. He knows what HYDRA or the Axis force is capable of doing to the seven of them. And he knows that his Commandos has a very important role in this war: to scout, to range, to spy, to weaken the enemy considerable by cutting of their technological and intelligence support.

So, he arrange Herr Heinz to convince the Axis force that none of the Allied appears along the route. Then, he orders destruction of their communication network. Then, he execute the murderers. He ordered his men to hold the murderers, and he pulled the trigger and shot them point blank on their head.

Steve does not think about the innocent among them, people who are forced by situation, by their environment and neighborhood to get involved in things that they really actually don't want to. He thinks about how war has stolen innocence anyway.

These men he executed, they are the backbone of their family. During difficult time such as war, this man are the guardians, the protectors. They went down the hills to obtain resources for the rest of the village. With their dead, the women and the children will have no protection. They will have to go down on their own, carry the produce from their gardens and farms. But it does not matter anyway. Such situation happen already around the world, and this is the consequence from their own choices.

The Commandos cleaned themselves up on a nearby river. Steve was sorry to see how his men's clothes and skins are so stained by blood they have to fully submerged in the cold river to get rid of it.

Gabriel Jones threw up several kilometers of hiking.

The horror of what they saw he did come late.

\--

It is the first time Bucky assault him so mindlessly and brutally. Bucky did it because he saw how Steve woke up every night for the whole month after that whole debacle, shivering, in cold sweat, and throwing up all of the night's ration he consumed. It is Bucky's way to punish him, in order to free him from his own guilt. Steve keeps still, deserving, that by the time Bucky finished, Steve was black and blue, unable to stand, bloodied and bruised in many places. Then Bucky embraced him.

Bucky, he thinks, was his moral compass since then. Steve's cold blood actions, Steve's cold mind, Steve's emotional detachment, suddenly in Bucky's eyes, Steve has become psychologically invalid. Incapable of making decision that is moral. Good. Righteous. All things that according to Bucky has defined Steve

But Steve's mental development here is probably different than what people wants from him. A good man, according to Dr. Erskine. Steve is never a good man. He thinks in what needs to be done not what goods to be done. The repercussion is, by the time he has time to stay still, all of that will haunt him simultaneously, and the devastation will be very crippling he just wants to self-flagellate.

In the future, Steve supposed that people are very blindsided by Captain America comics and movies, they think him wholesome and nice and good.

"Don't fucking change, Steve, please," plead Bucky, embracing him after beating him. "Please, I love you.. I don't want to see you fucking destroyed like this."

He embraced Bucky back and for the first time since many months, Steve sobbed. He sobbed all night long, and as he crumbled and showed his frustration with the world and the unfairness of his position, Bucky held him, soothed him, and loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Future chapters will explore the repercussions of Steve's action.  
> I hope that I have properly explain how Steve's reasoning work in this. I know a man, a good man, dare I say, who had to do this during war. I don't know his reasoning, because he never told me about it. From third parties, I was informed that this is a nightmare for that man, who woke up screaming almost every night, years after he resigned from the army.


End file.
